A Dream Come True

In our Mondo Beyondo class we were invited to take our dream list out again- the one I wrote on the quiet and snowy night and had whispered into Ava's ear when she was sleeping. One of my dreams was to actually have my brother Johnny visit me in a dream. I know this sounds strange and maybe spooky, but he left this world almost six years ago and I miss him so much. I have not had a dream with him in it for many years and I just wanted so much to have the feeling of seeing him. Well, this is quite unbelievable, but the day after I took out my list and quietly spent time just being with the list... I had the most amazing dream! I was sick with a cold or virus- in bed the whole day yesterday.  I say this because it was a dream that came after I had already sent the family off to work and school and I went back to bed. I slept for hours until my dog Beau barked at someone in the building and I woke up suddenly. I could remember everything- my brother Johnny arriving at the house where I was with my mother, the blue crisp checked shirt he was wearing, the brown fur vest (I know- strange- like the ones I saw in Paris last fall) and his clear, bright skin and radiant smile. His eyes sparkled the whole time and he was so joyful. We hugged very tightly for a long time. I cried with joy and told him I missed him so much. He hugged me with strong arms. Then my brother Mark (who passed away a few years earlier) was standing on my right side. My oldest brother Mike was in the room, smiling in his quiet way. Karen was in the background. My mother looked great- fresh, dewey skin, turquoise blue eyeliner (that I have never seen on her!) and short, chic hair. She was busily going from child to child, and I was laughing and crying with joy. I still have the so-real feeling that I was with my brothers yesterday, and it is so deep and full of eternal love that I am full of gratitude and wonder.

Clearing: the Big and the Daily

In the on-line course I am taking called  "Mondo Beyondo"  there was a lesson I wrote about encouraging us to do a "clearing"- a cleansing of sorts- whether it be clutter, unhealthy relationships, a bad job, old business, your closet- just the healthy and freeing idea of clearing out- cleansing. Some people went on a media diet and watched no TV or read no newspapers for a week, others went on a fast, and so on.  


I cleared out some of the basement and my closet.  Whew! I received the below today from "Daily OM",  and I love that it echos this idea of clearing and freeing- a daily way to unclutter the mind by not putting so much clutter in it (like TV news, magazines, etc.) A good reminder- that constantly consuming information is like mind-clutter. I welcome the idea to make sure that once a day I find something that  will unclutter and settle my busy mind. I enjoy walking with Beau in the woods, a short meditation in the early morning in front of my second-hand fireplace, and yoga with Ava Grace.

Creating a Clearing

A clearing is a wide open empty space that is ready for something new or amazing to emerge. In the online journey I am taking with women around the globe we were asked this week to create a clearing. Interestingly, I was in the midst of this activity even before the lesson was posted online. I had no choice!

We were traveling through Germany and the USA during Christmas and New Years and came home in mid-January to all of the Christmas decorations covering our long dining table. I cleared off this wonderful table, getting rid of lots of things that no longer suited our aesthetic. It felt so good I kept going, and cleared out some hot spots of clutter in corners and in two closets. And finally- I pulled all of my extra canvases and art supplies that were stacking themselves up in the corners of my bedroom into a cohesive bunch- and freed myself of the nagging feeling that I was not painting enough- a nag that faced me in the bedroom of all places! Then, it really happened... for the next two days I was very energized and in a great mood. And clarity started to emerge around my path forward! It really happened! It was like a fog lifted and I began to see shapes, and then lines. I had lunch dates with two wonderful friends this week and through both creative conversations, and two late night talks with my husband, my path began to take form and shape. It has been so exciting I could hardly sleep for the past few nights!

Unearthing dreams

Very, very late last night, when all was still and quiet, I sat down to write my deepest dreams list. I think the task was a combination of very exciting mixed with a touch of fear so I found a way to put it off.   I remembered our golden retriever had to go out so I took him for a late walk in the thick snow. It was outside in the crisp and silent stillness that I allowed myself to go to that place where deepest dreams were stored, and often stuffed.

When we came back in I was ready to write. The wishes, the dreams flooded my journal page.  No surprises. Well, there was one big surprise that I never knew I wanted. Was that a real dream or just an impulse?

I crawled in bed with my five-year-old and spooned up so close we had no gaps. She said "Hi Mommy" in  a very clear voice, but I knew she was practically sleep talking.  "Can I tell you my deepest dreams?"  I asked her. "Yes, Mommy" she replied. I slowly, calmly recounted my dreams, one by one. I think she drifted off to sleep when I was describing where I want to live, but I am not sure. Maybe she is carrying all of her Mommy's dreams inside her soul along with like me.

candlelight, quiet night, man in flight

 a letter to my long-time girlfriends who are sharing in mondo beyondo with me,

i just love that we were all in a women's circle together, more than a decade ago, so many wrinkles and life lessons and babies have made their imprints on us...

i am getting deeper into the mondo beyondo journey tonight. funny how life works out.. that i could not take it in october b/c it was full, b/c i think january is a wonderful time of year to do it. plus we have the knowledge and energy vibrations that we are all traveling this soul-uncovering journey together.

and so... here we are again.

daughter is sleeping, husband just called to let me know his plane leaves soon to bring him home to us, and it is so, so quiet... is it the deep blanket of white snow outside, with not a single sound to be heard, not even a car? or is it that I finally slowed down from a six-week busy phase to make a quiet, centered space to go inside and look around?

Values That Guide Me

Tonight's assignment is about values. What are the core guiding principles that inform my day-to-day decisions? where I spend my time? what my priorities are?  The starting point to uncover these was to think about who I most admire.  I came up with my Grandmother Ivy, a famous woman, and a mother at my daughter's school. In brainstorming the qualities that these three women possess, I was able to derive a list of what my top five values are in my life right now. I wonder how these change during different seasons in our life?

My set of values:

Centered- spiritual, intuitive, connected, grounded
Creative-expressive, artistic, imaginative, capture the essence in art, story and how I live
Sensual-aesthetic, connected to body and nature
Generous-loving, giving, nurturing family and friends with my best self
Graceful-gratitude for life's abundant gifts

My Energy Sources

When I get centered and quiet and think about what brings me energy, the sources just poured out. I feel so grateful to have so many ways to go to the well.

-Talking to God
-Dancing with, talking to, being with my daughter
-Walking in a creative, vibrant city- especially NY, SF, Paris
-Writing
-Painting
-Learning
-Reading
-Sharing and laughing with my sister
-Soulful physical connection
-Making spaces aesthetically beautiful
-Photographing moments- composing the elements in the moment
-Being at the ocean
-Being with my golden retriever Beau
-Getting lost in art and architecture
-Connecting others by entertaining at home
-Making meaning by seeing patterns and connections
-Rollerskating
-Yoga
-Staying up late in deep conversation

My Inspirational Dreamers and Doers

My Mondo Beyondo assignment today was to write about who inspires me to take a chance on my dreams.  The first person to come to mind was Oprah, but when I gave it a second thought, I realized the person who quietly realizes dreams, one after the other, is my husband. 

Andreas, my husband

He wanted to own a house in Tuscany. He talked his parents into buying an old stone house when he was barely twenty, the same one that the whole family still enjoys today. He wanted to live in America in a wooden house in the mountains. He moved there in his 30s and we got married in our own beautiful house near Lake Tahoe. He wanted to fly airplanes across the United States to see the natural beauty and wonders of our land. He got his licenses in America and we spent eight years exploring beaches, cities, deserts, mountains in our Plane Jane.  He wanted to be a father. He held my hand for eight years while we never gave up on conceiving, and he fed, bathed, and nurtured our daughter round-the-clock by my side for the first three months of her life. We dreamed together of giving our daughter a childhood in Europe.  We three now live on a cobblestone street in an old Art Nouveau building in Europe. He wanted a roaring, sexy Harley Davidson. She is in the garage and he makes exciting roadtrips on his Road King. He is the biggest dreamer-doer that I have ever personally known.

Oprah Winfrey

A fearless, courageous visionary and truth-teller. A giver who built a world-changing enterprise.

Susanne, my mother-in-law

A doctor, who in her seventies took a sailing trip with her girlfriends, all skilled sailors, played the classical music at my wedding accompanied by her son and daughter, cross-country skied with us every year while we lived in Tahoe, continued learning languages until she died, and spent a bulk of every year in her beloved Tuscan home.

Anne, my mother

Vibrancy, energy, positive outlook, charm, dancer, singer, artist, social spark. My mom was the first NFL cheerleader (part of the first  squad for the Washington Redskins in 1954) and has not put the pom-poms down yet. In fact, she performed at half-time for the Redskins this year and has another show this month. She has been my biggest supporter for my entire life, my cheerleader, my encourager, filling me with confidence and positive vision that I should just "go for it!" as she always says.

John, my dad

Rocket Scientist Extraordinaire. I spent my summers in New Mexico with our large family and extended family of NASA scientists and their children, all out there to test the latest rockets my dad and his colleagues designed and built at Goddard Space Flight Center in Maryland. From the first moment my body shook with the deep rumble of the rocket engines taking off to the time I buried him in our family plot when I was sixteen, my dad was an inspiration to me in how he channelled his unbelievable intelligence into one of the most exciting frontiers of the century.

Tante Inge

My husband's aunt, who started a women's art circle 25 years ago that is still strong and vibrant, and of which I was allowed to join. Her house is full of paintings, books, and juicy inspirations.

My Friends

Anne for her entrepreneurial spirit and tenacity with her husband, Michelle for her quiet insights, poetry and access to her emotions, Amy for her commitment to nurturing herself through dance and yoga, Lena for strength and building her own book publishing enterprise, Mary for her courage, Eli for her commitment to family and the community, Chau for her vision and ability to become a spiritual teacher with Thich Nhat Hahn, Julia for her artistic, well-run, organized home pulled off in a light and easy way,  Elizabeth K. for her sensuality, artistic and creative expression through her fashion and home, her entrepreneurial spirit in starting her own business, her courage and strength to survive cancer, her courage to take her three children and leave her heavy marriage to start a new happier life, her ability to love me despite all of my flaws, my disappearances, my truths. 

Intentions for the Dream Journey

Happiness!  I finally started Mondo Beyondo today, the online course that I tried to join in October of 2009 but had to wait for the next offering. I roped in some willing girlfriends from a women's circle over ten years ago and just knowing that they are there, in this journey with me, is so cozy and comforting. Connections.

My daughter is asleep in the living room and my husband is somewhere over the Atlantic, returning to Europe and to us. I have seven candles lit at different heights all around me, something luxurious and delicious that I usually don't do for just for me.

I loved starting with intentions, and I loved reading and connecting to the beautiful souls that shared before I entered the picture. My intentions for the next five weeks of this journey, and beyond, are as follows:

be authentic

trust in myself

listen to my intuition

make space for creativity, inner voice, calmness, discovery

reveal and clarify my dreams

claim my unique power and gifts

celebrate who I am

harness my courage

take action

be free and joyful

dwell in gratitude and abundance